Monday, December 5, 2011

Face-Off with Fear

[email written to the caring, wonderful, inspiring Mastin Kipp, creator of The Daily Love]


The other day you asked us to face our fears.  I sat for a moment and thought about it.  I had two long standing fears caused by watching movies, and cured in a similar way -- my Jaws-inspired fear of sharks was cured by watching a beautiful video of a diver feeding great whites by hand, and my Silence of the Lambs driven fear of serial killers has been cured by my beloved tv show Dexter .... for real!  So as I thought about my fears, I went through a list of the things most people fear: lack, loneliness, failure, on and on, and was grateful to not count those as fears of my own.  So I figured I was off the hook and went blithely along my way.... till later on the phrase Face Your Fear came to me again... and I realized I DO have a fear..... it is my face.

I am camera shy to the point of phobia and it is because of my face.  It makes no sense whatsoever.... then again since when does fear always make sense?
This is all the odder given that I am not a shallow person. I couldn't care less what other people look like.  That never factors in when I am considering someone to date.  Things like integrity, kindness, spirituality... that sort of stuff is what is attractive to me.... similarly, I never care what cars people drive or what they do for a living.... so why this silly hang-up over looks when it comes to myself?

As of this writing, I have no answer.  I have no problem growing older, but my face seems to have not fared well in the process.  I saw a photo taken of me just the day before and it looked so different from the way I view myself.  I see myself as being vivacious and loving and grateful.  The face of the person in the photo seemed to show the long journey taken to get to the place of gratitude where I now reside.  It showed a big scar from a dangerous relationship long outgrown.  This person looked sad and downtrodden, weathered and worn.

The situation is so absurd that every now and then I despair of ever finding romance... all because of my face!  And God forbid one of my online friends finds out what I look like... I fear they would drop the friendship.  Funny thing is I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who was so hung up on looks as to let mine overshadow my finer qualities anyway.... As you can see, the whole situation is ridiculous.

So while I may not have an answer, I am at least thankful to have the question raised, as I didn't realize I was harboring this latent fear until you put the question out there.  Thank you for the opportunity to literally face-off with this fear.  And I won't stop until I've faced it down!!!!!!

gratefully, humbly, joyfully yours...