Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Spy vs I

Have you ever sabotaged yourself? Or something great in your life?
I have.
In fact I am doing so right now.
There is a mind-blowing relationship I love that I unwittingly try to oust on a regular basis.  Its prospects are more than I can handle, and there is some pretty hairy territory to navigate. I haven't gone so far as to call the whole thing off. I know better than that. But I have definitely tried to steer things into a comfortable dull bland safe corner.

I am no newcomer to sabotage. I recall doing some self-preservation sabotaging when I was ensconced in an abusive marriage.  I managed to double my weight in order to ensure the person hurting me would be repelled by me physically and not seek physical intimacy.  There was no way I was going to be sexual with someone who sought to hurt me in a variety of ways daily.

But that was ages ago. I am no longer in that unhealthy relationship nor mindset.

So why do we do it?
Why do we sabotage our own dear selves?
In my case of abuse it is perhaps more understandable.  It was a temporary coping mechanism employed while working my way out of a very volatile and life-threatening situation.
But what about the times we sabotage ourselves out of a big blessing.... sometimes on the very eve of a hard-won triumph or victory?
We even go so far as to toss away precious gifts we have longed for.

My best guess answer is........ 
Fear of ultimate failure
Especially fear of being........ 
When we make ourselves wide-openly vulnerable by allowing in everything we've ever wanted, we run the risk of losing it, or in some way being rejected or disappointed in the process.

In my own current situation I have the opportunity to do some truly amazing things with my friend, especially spiritually.  Unfortunately, I have let the statistics of our live's histories color, if not dictate, my assessments and actions, as opposed to really letting intuition lead me into a thing of beauty. I can't promise never to fall for the temptation of self-sabotage again, but I can do my best to detect and rout it when it starts to fester.

And to be unflaggingly patient with my friend.... who is currently playing the saboteur as well.... far more fully than I.

So what is the antidote or cure for this kind of manifesting fear?
It's always the same. 
It's always
Love 24/7
A love so big it wipes out the fear of rejection or disappointment. A love big enough to erase our identity's rap sheet or personality's credit score. A love big enough to forgive the mistakes of the past and prevent those of the future.

So to all you self-saboteurs out there, we see what you're doing, and it doesn't matter. We are in this together.
And we will love you ... and ourselves... through it.

joyfully yours...

P.S.  Do you have a story you'd like to share?  Or some words of loving wisdom to offer and aid another?  Please drop by our new Facebook group page and join in the conversation.  You will always be welcomed... and loved.... 24/7

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