Tuesday, December 20, 2011

rock star

I was given an assignment by my LOVE 24/7 friend.  He asked me to write something about a guy who .... oh shoot, I can't recall exactly.  It was something along the lines of a guy who walks into the room, a mix of anger, frustration and confusion... I sense his angst and notice his face is tear-streaked.... his ailment is that he has never known love.  I am pretty sure I just mangled that description, but here is the from the heart stream-of-consciousness reply I zipped back... apparently I envisioned a rock star :)


His tempest preceded him
He jerked into the room, in changing shades of both Jeckyl and Hyde
His eyes red & swollen in mixed anguish and anger
He had always had the world at his feet
but now he floated in that awkward space of debris left cometing through space just after the Death Star exploded

He had all the earmarks of a trainspotter
the desperation
the need
the craving
The only difference being that what he most desired was actually good for him... something that would make his life... not ruin it
and yet
.... it went against everything he'd been taught
everything those around him believed

And so the tears flowed anew
in silent salient agony
till at last he allowed his mouth to part just enough to catch a falling droplet of his silent scream
And then the words came
more like audible thoughts really

"............ I can't do this anymore ...............

Everyone wil think i'm crazy
............. not that i care what other people think. it's just that ......................

and what will it do to my family
They think they know who i am!!!!!
How can I.........................

My mom will understand............... in fact she probably already knows.... somewhere.... deep down
....... she's always known actually
.......... that I have not been living the life that is meant to be mine
She always knew who I was even when I didn't

(his despair turning to welcomed understanding)

I mean........ as weird as it sounds, I always knew deep down that THIS is who I really was...... and what I really wanted........ but I lost sight of it somewhere along the way
........... 
and then it didn't seem to matter anymore
not cuz my life was bad
far from it!
In fact life has been great........ I mean reallllllllllllllly great
The stories I could tell you
The things i've seen

Sure I've had my struggles, just like the next guy
but overall I've had fun!
and to be honest, most of my friends envy me

but................

............................................ but ...............................

(suddenly sullen again)

it's not enough anymore
I guess it never was

The things i've always wanted
.......... I knew deep down they really existed
but they seemed so surreal for this world that I just figured they weren't something you could find on earth or in this lifetime

But I was wrong
........... which means I was right
all along
about everything
about a world and love so big it can't be contained within the puny framework our society is determined to be smothered and tortured by

(looking far beyond the walls before him)
I see it all now
see it so clearly
it is all there
within my reach
all I have to do is do the reaching
the rest is all done for me

................. in some ways I've never fit in, you see
my die was cast so early on
sports
rock n roll
girls
oh so many many girls
and yet............................................. so little love

I sing my heart out and reduce people to rubble with a single refrain
I break hearts with my poetry 
They say how tragically unbearably real my words are
how I have changed them with my words
that I have made them happy, made them sparkle, and smile and shine

Ha!
If they only knew
It's like I can dish it out but I can't take it
cuz I've never had it
and now that I can see it I'm almost too afraid to grab it
It's like I'm too paralyzed in my life to let it in
and that's all I really have to do
just 'let' it in
not force it
or go after it

Supposedly we guys value the stuff we have to work for and chase
..... but this is so much better than that.... and so much more beautiful.... so much more real
.......... this is everything i've ever wanted
....... t's even beyond my most beautiful dreams
and coming from a dreamer like me that's saying alot HAHAHA

(sigh)

I'm tired of talking
I'm tired period
exhausted more like it
not in a bad way
more in a cathartic way
.....so..................................."


-- another sigh.... this one deeper.... but much more serene.... his answers were gelling, his soul soothing, and his life changing

I saw before me a man shedding his own dead skin
transforming into the most exquisite creature imaginable.... his true self
He was at peace
Now i was the one in tears
as I gazed in wonder at this perfect being
My eyes widened and I stood
unexpectedly shaky on my feet, so full of the awesome love and truth to which I had just borne witness

He sat
looking more vulnerable than any grown man could possibly look
not weak, mind you.... just real... and unguarded... and incomprehensibly beautiful and brave

Without either of us noticing it, I walked over to him
embraced him as though within angels wings
holding him in impenetrable safety
without hardly touching him

I whispered into his ear, 'i love you'
He let out one last sigh
and something tangible left the room
It was the shell he'd been wearing all those years
the mask and habiliments that no longer fit him.... in fact they never really did

Neither of us spoke
I silently ran my fingers through his hair
My cheek next to his
.... and he just breathed
full, rich, deep breaths
like he was breathing for the first time

He fell asleep in my arms
a sleep (he later said) that was the sweetest he'd ever known
when he awoke he was a changed man
changed for good
.... and for 'good'

I still think back on that day
the day 'it' happened

He doesn't even remember it
or the man he was before it happened
It's like his life up to that point had all been a dream from which he finally awoke
only to find that his reality was much more amazing than his dream

That moment changed my life too
and has been a touchstone for all that's come since

I will never doubt again